She has been an educator of addiction counselors in many schools including the University of California at Davis in the Addiction Studies Program, and the University of Nevada/Bureau of Alcohol and Drug summer school for Employee Assistance Professionals for 15 years. Dr. Willis has studied and presented at national conferences on multi-generational trauma and addiction.”
We are pleased that Dr. Willis took the time to share her insights on the importance of trauma informed care:
I planned to have a border of lavender
but planted the bank too of lavender
and now my whole crazy garden
is grown in lavender.
It smells so sharp heady and musky
of lavender, and the hue of only
lavender is all my garden up
into the gray rocks.
So begins Paul Goodman’s poem “I Planned to Have a Border of Lavender”. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Goodman_(writer)
Sometimes in my work with teens (and my own children) I make the mistake of overcompensating for what I perceive to be my weaknesses.
For example, I spend as much time with my kids as I can when I get home. I want them to know I am around, because I feel like I work a lot. Guess what my 7-year-old uses to manipulate me? Yep. “Daddy, you don’t spend enough time with me!” He knows my hot-button.
Sometimes I am so focused on overcompensating for my guilt of not having spent enough time with my kids, that I let other important things slip: one-on-one time with my wife, chores around the house, time for myself, etc. I am well-intentioned, but “my whole crazy garden” becomes overrun with my focus on how I’m going to compensate for what I perceive to be their need to have me around.
This has application at work, too. I feel like I don’t have enough time to spend with the teens we treat at New Haven. So, what do some of my clients say to me? You guessed it: ”Dustin, why are you never around?” It cuts me to my core! I have to be careful not to give in to my own narcissism and self-importance. Will they be okay without me? Sure. We have loads of experienced, caring staff – some of whom are even more skilled than I. If I’m not careful, I can forget that my job is to make it possible for my co-workers to be unencumbered by the things that might stand in the way of their serving the needs of our girls. If I let my guilt at “not having enough time” for our teens rule me, then soon my focus on time with the girls can, like the lavender in Goodman’s poem, get all the way “up into the gray rocks”. I’ll find myself more frustrated because I end up without time to accomplish the important things that allow others to do their jobs more effectively.
I’m not saying I shouldn’t spend time with our clients. Rather, there must be a balance and I must use wisdom. Even when I was working residential shifts years ago I experienced these feelings. How would I have time, for example, to spend quality time with each of the 14 students within the confines of my 8 hour shift? It seemed daunting. Many times I punched the clock at the end of a day thinking, “I failed. I didn’t get to talk with Suzie or Sally or ….”
In times like this I need to practice moderation and “guilt-management”! I say guilt-management because I have to watch myself carefully. Sometimes I experience good guilt, but other times the guilt is more like shame – poison to my soul.
Two things that help me manage my guilt (shame): 1) If I’m with my kids (or my teens) out of love and not shame, I’m on the right track; 2) If I can voice my shame to a trusted friend (or colleague), I’m more able to manage it.
In what areas of parenting or work with teens do you overcompensate?
ABC News ran an article online about Dr. Megan Moreno, who is attempting to help teens on MySpace reduce their risky online activities – specifically their risky sexual activities. Check it out at http://www.abcnews.go.com/Health/Story?id=6581085&page=1
MySpace and Facebook are increasingly popular with our teens. The attraction makes sense – teens of all generations have sought to connect with their peers in ways that their parents can’t understand. They are on an constant search for who they are, and so many of them try to differentiate themselves from the crowd. The great adolescent irony is that they also seek for belonging. MySpace and other social networking sites offer both the ability to differentiate and express oneself, while connecting and socializing with peers.
The danger of virtual relationships and the virtual expression of self is that there are virtual consequences which can quickly become real. If a young woman, for example, experiments with her sexuality on her MySpace page, she may not immediately experience the same consequences she otherwise would if she were to experiment in “actuality” in the real world. This provides a false sense of safety, as the consequences are soon to come. For example, employers are increasingly including MySpace and Facebook searches in their vetting process during hiring. Predators roam social networking sites under disguise, seeking vulnerable teenagers. Online bullying has reached new lows in the last few years, and you may have heard of one high-profile case where a teenager last year committed suicide because of it.
It’s imperative that parents keep tabs on their daughters’ online activities. Among other things, parents ought to check their daughters’ social networking activities weekly.
Do you know how your daughter is expressing herself online?
I flew kites with my two young sons. Michael was doing fairly well with his kite, but Cam, my five-year-old, struggled with his.
“Higher, Daddy!” Cam said. He could feel the kite straining against his little hands, and thought the best way to help the kite move higher was to walk toward his kite. The line would slacken, and the colored fabric kite would dip toward the ground.
It reminded me of when my nine-year-old, Hadley, was Cam’s age and informed me that her kite was like a helium balloon. “I’m going to let it float up to the sky!” she’d said. Before I could stop her, she’d let go of the string. It immediately lost altitude, but sailed an impressive distance, over the park, over three rows of houses, then crashed in a driveway, narrowly missing a small yapping dog! She’d been surprised that letting go of the string didn’t help the kite rise higher.
“Stand still!” I called to Cam. But he moved forward. Predictably, his kite soon crashed into the turf.
Michael was laughing. At first I thought he was laughing at Cam, but he wasn’t. He was excited because he’d found that if he pulled gently on his string, the kite would respond and dance on the wind. Unfortunately, he began yanking too hard, which caused the kite to dive and spin out of control. Soon, Michael’s kite had impaled the sod, a few feet away.
Kite flying is a fitting analogy for parenting, isn’t it?
The thing that seems to restrict and bind the kite is the very thing that enables the colored fabric to dart high among the clouds. Some teens have difficulty balancing their emerging independence with their dependence upon their parents. These teens want more freedom. They want adventure on their own. Like kites, they strain against the line their parents hold, pulling toward the clouds.
Teens sometimes fail to realize that it’s their family ties that allow them to fly ever higher. After all, it’s counter-intuitive. Everywhere else in the world, if something is tied down, it’s more restricted – not more free.
And yet, the way parents hold the line with their kids is important. If we jerk too hard and too quickly, teens may react like Michael’s kite. If we move in too close like Cam did, we run the risk of over-protecting them. They won’t learn to navigate life’s currents on their own. If we let go of our teens altogether, like Hadley did, never guiding or directing, then our kids will never even have a chance.
Sometimes it’s appropriate and necessary to gently pull back. It’s our job to guide our kids from one shifting wind to the next. It’s important to keep our hands firmly on the line in case a huge gust of wind knocks our teens from their equilibrium. Frequently, however, the key to coaching teens is for parents to set clear family traditions, values, rules, and consequences and then stand still.
Here are some ways that parents can practice standing still:
1. Establish (and then follow through with) family traditions for holidays, birthdays, summer vacations, celebrations of success, etc.
2. Gather everyone together as a family at least once weekly to coordinate, plan, and review.
3. Have one-on-one time with your teen at least weekly. (Daddy-daughter dates and mother-daughter outings are great ways to stay connected.)
4. Hang a copy of your family values in a prominent place in your home.
5. Decide on a family symbol that represents what your family stands for. Obtain a trinket for each family member to carry with them. (One father bought pewter acorns and attached them to key rings for each family member – their family symbol was the Oak Tree.)
6. Create rational rules that support and teach your Family Values.
7. Decide on a few “zero tolerance” rules. (These usually involve issues of safety: no drugs; curfew set in stone; no boys in her bedroom; etc.)
8. Agree upon natural and logical consequences to reinforce your rules. (Wise parents include teens’ suggestions about appropriate consequences.)
I hope you’ll take a moment to post your thoughts about your successes and failures at standing still. It’s helpful for us all to hear what has worked/not worked for other families!
I attended a corporate training and the CFO’s message (in light of the current economy) was to “get back to the basics” of business management. I think that applies to family life as well, so I’ve created a list of items I think are the “basics” of good family life. Take a look and see how you’re doing on these:
1. We praise more than we nag or criticize (ratio = 1 criticism to every 4 compliments)
2. We have scheduled family time together at least 3 times/week (such as dinner together)
3. We spend one-on-one time with each kid at least once each week (double that if the kids are under the age of 16)
4. My partner (if you have a partner) and I carve out “us time” at least weekly (at least two consecutive hours, once weekly)
5. Humor is present in our relationships with each other
6. We can identify at least one activity that we all still enjoy doing all together (such as vacations)
7. We have traditions for special events (like holidays or birthdays)
8. We make a point of celebrating each others’ significant achievements (like posting report cards on the fridge)
9. We nurture spirituality as a family (like church attendance, nature walks, or working in soup kitchen)
10. We spend less money than we make, and we put away a little every month for a “rainy day”
I’m doing pretty good on #2, #6, and #9. I need to work on #1 and #4.
