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Photo by beaniebg17

I heard about TWLOHA last year. I was alerted to it by a student of mine who struggles with self-harm.

On Facebook there are over 315,000 people who have committed to being a part of TWLOHA Day, which takes place tomorrow, Feb. 12.

Tomorrow, let’s all help raise awareness of those who choose to deal with intense emotional pain by harming themselves. Let’s all help raise awareness of the reality of depression.

I spoke with a young woman yesterday who is beginning to find hope in the trusting, loving relationships she is building in her life. For the first time in three years, she sees the possibility of living a life without thoughts of suicide.

Another young woman slipped a notecard into my box at work a few weeks ago. Inside the card read, “Dustin, I haven’t cut for six months now. Thank you for talking to me and encouraging me to do hard things.”

Tomorrow, let’s go out of our way to reach out to those who are suffering silently. Healthy relationships are the best ways to begin healing self-loathing and depression.

Photo by Jed Wells

Aspiro – a wilderness adventure therapy program for boys and girls – came to visit last week. I was impressed and pleased with their approach to their students. They made this comment during their presentation: “Because we take our students into more ‘public’ ares such as Arches National Park, we have been accused of only being able to treat ‘softer’ kids – kids who won’t run away.”

I was struck with how similar our approaches are, and how similar the criticisms levied against us were during our first five years in business. New Haven has been around for 15 years this month. In our first five years, much like Aspiro, we were refining a more relationship-based model of residential treatment for girls. (We were tired of working in places that just applied a boot-camp or behavioral model to the treatment of teen girls.) We were questioned repeatedly about being able to treat “harder” girls – but what our critics really were wondering is if we would be able to “contain” girls who didn’t want to be in treatment.

How ironic that, 15 years later, our model is the most copied by new startups in the world of private teen treatment for girls! “Relationship-based”, “family therapy”, and “values” – all terms which were never spoken together in 1995 – are now tired old buzzwords in our industry. Even though it means competition for us, I’m glad. Girls deserve better treatment.

Why is Aspiro able to take its students into public places? Why is New Haven able to operate on 31 acres without magnetized steel doors? It’s because our students realize quickly that we love them and want the best for them. What’s more, we won’t constrain, abuse, or coerce them into doing what is best for them.

The beauty of a relationship-based model is that “tough” kids CAN be treated. No, Aspiro and New Haven don’t take highly violent kids. But we do take the very ill family systems, the kids who have internalized their problems to the point of suicidality, and the kids who have failed treatment time and again.

All good therapy begins and ends with a strong therapeutic relationship.

Illustration by Aidan Jones

I get asked a lot how to know if you can trust someone, especially boys. Here’s a little formula I came up with a few years ago. Let me know your thoughts on it.

T = bottom line, you need TIME with a person before you can trust him. I’m fairly confident it takes longer than 3 months to know if you can really trust a guy with your deepest emotions and thoughts.

R = RESPECT is paramount. If he’s not respectful to you, to the waitress at your favorite restaurant, and to his mother, then you have a problem.

U = UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. He needs to accept you as you are. If he’s telling you to “lose some weight” or he makes you feel stupid, you are heading for a train wreck relationship.

S = you need to feel SAFETY with him, both emotional and physical. If he pushes your physical boundaries – in any way – get rid of him immediately. If he is overly sarcastic, rude, or argumentative with you, then he’s not emotionally safe, either, and doesn’t deserve your time and attention.

T = this one may be obvious, but you’d be surprised how many girls let it slide: TRUTH. He must be truthful at all times. If you catch him in a lie, no matter how small, he’s done! There is no excuse for lying to a friend.

So, bottom line, if you’ve spent time with him, he is respectful of you, he is unconditionally loving towards you, you feel safe with him, and he tells the truth, then your decision to risk trusting him is more likely to be a good decision.

Is this foolproof? No. But a majority of the time you will make a good decision.